So first of all, I know my last few post have been really depressing. Like, the last few months have been depressing. I promise I'm not miserable all the time. But I lost my job, and I moved halfway across the country, and I'm really, really sick . . . so I'll be positive soon. But not tonight.
The tornado's really been weighing on my mind a lot lately. Because I'm realizing that a lot of my current struggles can be traced back to it, can be traced back to the PTSD. I actually had a doctor tell me that earlier this year--that some of my problems are magnified because of the untreated PTSD--and it was like a light went off in my brain.
Then, I thought, yay! All I have to do is deal with the PTSD and my health, my emotions, my life will be SO MUCH BETTER! But . . . that wasn't the case.
Because PTSD is big. The tornado was big. SO. BIG! So I can't wave a magic wand and make it all go away. The tornado has had five and a half years to mess up my life in various ways (and my life has had five and a half years to mess itself up as a result of the tornado), so clean-up duty isn't going to happen overnight.
It's discouraging. I've been angry. I've been confused. How could something that happened five years ago have such a huge affect on my life? How could one night of trauma slowly undo so much? Why do so many other people from Union lead normal lives while I live with my parents, working part time, and struggling to hold my health and my sanity together?
But something good has been happening, too. I've been asking these questions, and God's been listening. He hasn't always given me clear, concrete answers. But he's made me very aware of his presence, of his omniscience.
I know that at the heart of this, the problem is that I felt like I lost control over my life during the tornado, and that scared me to death. I've known that that control is something I'm not supposed to have--God is. I've had therapists, even, tell me, "Just give the control over to God!" I've been trying to do that for five years, I promise you. But I think at least one new thing has happened. I now *want* to be in a place where I no longer need that control but am okay surrendering it to God's care. I gues that's a pretty good first step.